Counterpoint: I Would Completely Bone A Vampire

Really do not act like you’re much better than this.

Deadspin columnist Drew Magary promises he wouldn’t have intercourse with a vampire. Though he articulates his argument with convincing self-assurance, he is also completely whole of shit.

Magary’s promises are as follows:

  • Vampires are as well hazardous to bone
  • Vampires are lame, in fact
  • If they little bit you during intercourse, being a vampire would suck
  • You would stop being attractive if you noticed an true human shaped apex predator

This is all nonsense. If my intimate awareness of Buffy the Vampire Slayer has taught me just about anything, it is that vampires exist proper in the sweet location involving “could do a murder” and “actually care as well much about their angsty inner thoughts to do a murder.” They are much less predators than everlasting 22 calendar year olds. Now, you may possibly not wanna have intercourse with a 22 calendar year outdated possibly, but you’re also definitely not concerned of a 22 calendar year outdated. If you have experienced intercourse with a male who has a punk band and operates a Do-it-yourself venue, you have basically now experienced intercourse with a vampire. That male may possibly have been incredibly hot and enjoyable to bone, but he was not scary. If you can cope with a twentysomething heading by way of their first existential predicament, you can cope with most vampires.

Also, vampires are stupidly effortless to ward off. Xander kills vampires in Buffy, and Xander is potentially the most gormless character in the history of television. Consider about how numerous vampires have been killed by morons. Any idiot can kill a vampire. Vampires have to be invited inside for fuck’s sake, they simply cannot even enter your household unless of course you want them to! Bone on your fire escape and then climb in the window. Garlic? Every person in the environment has garlic in their houses. I am a stone’s toss absent from garlic at all occasions. I am at the moment ingesting garlic! And crosses never appear that challenging to arrive by, possibly. You just go to the church store, proper? Could you just tape together two wooden soup spoons or anything? You in all probability could.

There is just one detail Magary and I agree on: no just one desires to in fact be a vampire. You know what’s unchill? Looking at all your buddies die as you undergo the twilight of unending youth. But fucking a vampire does not signify you have to turn out to be a vampire. In reality, fucking a vampire is the ideal vampire-adjacent scenario. You get the adrenaline hurry of the full “creature of the night” detail although also retaining your soul and your mortality. You get to hear about all those attention-grabbing ancient feuds and sire-associated shenanigans, but which is as far as your involvement goes. It’s the big difference involving the Weeknd’s girlfriend and the Weeknd’s facet chick: when the drama starts, you can just go away. Many of the most famed vampire/human relationships require some level of commitment. Which is a main miscalculation, but not just one on which we ought to base our being familiar with of all vampiric relationships. Vampire intercourse is strictly a strike it and stop it type of offer.

In the proper conditions, a vampire would be a a terrific lay. As very long as he isn’t named Spike.

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